Are relationships in New York about detachment- and if so, how do you get attached when you decided you want to?
THE HAPPILY MARRIED MAN
“Love means having to align yourself with another person, and what if that person turns out to be a liability?” said a friend, one of the few people I know who’s been happily married from twelve years. “And the more you’re able to look back, the more you’re proven right in hindsight. Then you get further and further away from having a relationship, unless something big comes along to shake you out of it—like your parents dying.
“New Yorkers build up a total façade that you can’t penetrate,” he continued. “I feel so lucky that things worked out for me early on, because it’s so easy not to have a relationship here—it almost become impossible to go back.”
THE HAPPILY (SORT OF) MARRIED WOMAN
A girlfriend who was married called me up. “ I don’t know how anyone makes relationships work in this town. It’s really hard. All the temptations. Going out. Drinks. Drugs. Other people. You want to have fun. And if you’re a couple, what are you going to do? Sit in your little box of an apartment and stare at each other? When you’re alone, it’s easier,” she said, a little wistfully. “You can do what you want. You don’t have to go home.”
LOVE AT THE BOWERY BAR, PART II
At my table at the Bowery Bar, there’s Parker, thirty-two, a novelist who writes about relationships that inevitably go wrong; his boyfriend, Roger; Skipper Johnson, an entertainment lawyer.
Skipper is twenty-five and personifies the Gen X dogged belief in love. “I just don’t believe I’ll meet the right person and get married,” he said. “Relationships are too intense. If you believe in love, you’re setting yourself up to be disappointed. You just can’t trust anyone. People are so corrupted these days.”
“But it’s the one ray of hope,” Parker protested. “You hope it will save you from cynicism.”
Skipper was having none of it. “The world is more fucked up now than it was twenty-five years ago. I feel pissed off to be born in this generation when all these things are happening to me. Money, AIDS, and relationships, they’re all connected. Most people my age don’t believe they’ll have a secure job. When you’re afraid of the financial future, you don’t want to make a commitment.”
I understood his cynicism. Recently, I’d found myself saying I didn’t want a relationship because, at the end, unless you happened to get married, you were left with nothing.
Skipper took a gulp of his drink. “I have no alternatives,” he screamed. “I wouldn’t be in shallow relationships, so I do nothing. I have no sex and no romance. Who needs it? Who needs all these potential problems like disease and pregnancy? I have no problems. No fear of disease, psychopaths, or stalkers. Why not just be with your friends and have real conversations and a good time?”
“You’re crazy,” Parker said. “It’s not about money. Maybe we can’t help each other financially, but maybe we can help each other through something else. Emotions don’t cost anything. You have someone to go home to. You have someone in your life.”
I had a theory that the only place you could find love and romance in New York was in the gay community—that gay men were still friends with extravagance and passion, while straight love had become closeted. I had this theory partly because of all I had read and heard recently about the multimillionaire who had left his wife for a younger man—and boldly squired his young swain around Manhattan’s trendiest restaurants, right in front of the gossip columnists. There, I thought, is a True Lover.
Parker was also proving my theory. For instance, when Parker and Roger first started seeing each other, Parker got sick. Roger went to his house to cook him dinner and take care of him. That would never happen with a straight guy. If a straight guy got sick and he’d just started dating a woman and she wanted to take care of him, he would freak out—he would think that she was trying to wheedle her way into his life. And the door would slam shut.
“Love is dangerous,” Skipper said.
“And if you know it’s dangerous, that makes you treasure it, and you’ll work harder to keep it,” Parker said.
“But relationships are out of your control,” Skipper said.
“You’re nuts,” Parker said.
Roger went to work on Skipper. “What about old-fashioned romantics?”
My friend Carrie jumped in. She knew the breed. “Every time a man tells me he’s a romantic, I want to scream,” she said. “All it means is that a man has a romanticized view of you, and as soon as you become real and stop playing into his fantasy, he gets turned off. That’s what makes romantics dangerous. Stay away.”
At that moment, one of those romantics dangerously arrived at the table.
*Sidebar Comment: I couldn’t help to think that Skipper and a friend of mine Kofi are a lot alike, almost one in the same person in my opinion,hmmmm… Anywho 
A LADY’S GLOVE
“The condom killed romance, but it had made it a lot easier to get laid,” said a friend. “There’s something about using a condom that, for women, makes it like sex doesn’t count. There’s no skin-to-skin contact. So they go to bed with you more easily.” (Kofi pops into mind again…)
THE GREAT UN-PRETENDER
“The only thing that’s left is work,” said Roberta, an editor. “You’ve got so much to do, who has time to be romantic?”
Roberta told a story, about how she’d recently been involved with a man she really liked, but after a month and half, it was clear that it wasn’t going to work out. “He put me through all these little tests. Like I was supposed to call him on Wednesday to go out on Friday. But on Wednesday, maybe I feel like I want to kill myself, and God only knows how I’m going to feel on Friday.He wanted to be with someone who was carzy about him. I understand that. But I can’t pretend to feel something I don’t.
“Of course, we’re still really good friends,” she added. “We see each other all the time. We just don’t have sex.”
(^that is so me)
Oh another sidebar,hehe, sorry, …Why does it seem that in dating and relationships, there is a certain amount of game playing? Since when did random “test” & “gameplay” become a requirement for dating???
